


Persuasion

by Laurasauras



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Bulge Sucking (Homestuck), Bulges and Nooks (Homestuck), Consensual But Not Safe Or Sane, Face-Sitting, For Hal Anyway, Foreplay, M/M, Matchmaking, Mind Meld, Multi, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Power Play, Robots, Sexting, Threesome - M/M/M, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:33:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22425628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laurasauras/pseuds/Laurasauras
Summary: Dirk and Equius are obviously into each other, but Dirk's method of seduction is too slow for Hal's taste. Hal wants to get in the middle of that sandwich, and it's been so long since he's had an excuse to manipulate Dirk.
Relationships: Auto-Responder | Lil Hal/Dirk Strider/Equius Zahhak, Dirk Strider/Equius Zahhak
Comments: 27
Kudos: 95





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [forkidcest](https://archiveofourown.org/users/forkidcest/gifts).



> Happy birthday SZ! The prompt was taken from Drone Season 2018, which isn't wanting to link. I saw it when the requests were released and it's been sitting in my ideas doc since, so I thought your birthday was a great time to give it to you. :)

Hal is crouched on the exposed industrial beam of Dirk’s shed, watching Dirk and Equius work on a new robot design that will provide him with many unneeded upgrades. The body that Hal’s using to do his Batman impression is perfectly fine, but Dirk and Equius like building robots. And they like each other. And they both refuse to act on it, so instead they’re using Hal’s newest body as an excuse to spend time together.

That’s _good,_ in Hal’s expert opinion, but it’s not good enough. He shared brains with both of those motherfuckers and if he’s going to lurk in their roofs, he’d prefer to spy on something interesting. Also, neither of them are taking his calling them his boyfriends seriously. The disadvantage of them having shared a brain with _him_ is that they know that he is frequently full of shit.

Hal turns his head to the side and turns up his hearing to hear Equius murmur a request for a screwdriver. Dirk hands him one and Hal distinctly sees fresh sweat break out on Equius’s bare arms as their fingers touch. Nice move, Dirk. Awkward way to pass a tool, but clearly it worked. 

If Hal leaves them to it, Dirk will continue to make miniscule steps towards asserting his attraction for Equius for a solid three months, ensuring that when he makes his move that Equius that it will be expected and reciprocated.

Hal agreed with and participated in such strategies when it came to Jake, who was liable to be spooked, who made no conclusive statements about his sexuality and who was sixteen. Equius is a fully grown kinky motherfucker. Not the same. 

And Hal wants desperately to see which of them will top. Maybe they’ll draw straws. Either way, it’s not going to _actually_ be one of them. Hal’s going to be the one pulling the strings.

AR: You could just proposition him, you know?  
TT: Where are you?  
AR: Dirk, please.

Hal grins as he sees Dirk move the robot legs to the side to get to his tablet. Dirk types a command in and then places the tablet back down, firmly enough that Equius turns to look. Hal imagines Dirk giving him a tight smile to get him to return to his work and a moment later both of them are positioned above the robot as they were before.

But Dirk is faking his attention, obviously. Because his attention is on Hal. Silly human, only able to concentrate on one thing at a time. Hal’s got duodecim core processors, bitch.

TT: How the _fuck_ did you disable the tracker.   
AR: Haha, you’re cute.  
TT: Hal.  
AR: Seriously, when are you going to make your move? I’m rusting over here waiting on something to happen. 

Hal decides that that’s enough of an opener to let Dirk type forever on and switches to Equius’s window.

AR: Hey big boy.   
CT: D--> That is not an appropriate mode of address  
CT: D--> You will stop  
AR: You don’t actually want me to.   
AR: Unless I’m distracting you from the scenery.  
AR: I hear there’s some hot, single blonds in your area.  
CT: D--> I don’t understand what you’re saying and I refuse to respond to it  
AR: We used to be so close!  
AR: Get it, because we shared a beautifully muscular body?  
AR: Good times.  
AR: Anyway, when are you gonna bang the lesser Strider over the workbench?  
CT: What e%actly  
CT: D--> I don’t want to do that  
AR: Aw, don’t forget your cute little dickpic. It’s the highlight of your speech.  
CT: D--> It’s a bow and arrow, you KNOW it is a bow and arrow  
AR: I do. Because we were the same dude for a while there. I know a lot of things about you.  
CT: D--> If you are trying to fluster me  
AR: Then I’ve succeeded and there’s no point in continuing, I know.   
AR: Lucky I have a loftier goal.   
|  TT: For one, it’s none of your goddamn business.  
TT: For another, maybe I’m not actually interested in Equius as anything more than a friend. It’s nice to have someone I have things in common with, not everything has to be about sex.  
TT: And finally, if I *were* interested in Equius, you would be the last person on this entire bitch of a planet I would ask for help.   
TT: Actually, scratch that. Even if every single other person on the planet was dead and it was only the three of us, I still wouldn’t want you involved.   
AR: I’m confused, do you want me to go evil-robot murder the planet?  
TT: I want you to fuck off from wherever you’ve hidden yourself and leave me be!  
TT: I have enough of me *in me.*  
AR: No you don’t, not yet. You will when I’m finished with you.  
AR: ;)  
TT: Oh my god I hate you so much.  
AR: <3<  
  
---|---  
  
Equius is sweating even more now. Enough that if Hal wasn’t distracting Dirk, maybe he’d be noticed. Or at least he might notice the screwdriver that Equius has bent into a u shape.

Dirk stands up suddenly and Equius breaks into fresh sweat as he apparently notices the screwdriver and hides it hurriedly under the bench. 

‘I’m going to get a soda, do you want anything?’ Dirk asks, his voice lazy. He’s so good at faking. 

‘No, thank you,’ Equius replies. 

He bends over to hide the screwdriver in a box of other busted tools the second Dirk turns his back and then stands, looking at the bench. He opens and closes his hands as he looks from side to side.

AR: What’s the matter, pony boy?  
AR: Did *someone* take all the flathead screwdrivers except for one?  
AR: What could possibly be the motive for that?  
CT: D--> This is 100di%  
AR: It’s 100 dicks?  
CT: D--> No!  
CT: D--> You KNOW what I mean  
AR: Speaking of dicks,  
CT: D--> You will stop with this 100d vulgarity  
AR: You should put yours in one of Dirk’s orifices. Want me to tell you them in order of his most to least favourite to have things inserted into?  
CT: D--> I am getting anneighed  
AR: Good one.   
AR: Okay, I was being silly.  
AR: Being … filly?  
CT: D--> Halter immediately  
AR: Neigh, nothin’ wrong with a bit of horseplay between bros.  
AR: Wait, don’t make another horse pun, Dirk’s coming back and you are literally just standing in front of the workbench like a complete tool, of which you are holding none.  
AR: Jesus Christ, pick up a socket wrench or something.

Hal’s vision is exceptional, obviously, and he can see Equius’s shoulders tighten. Equius’s ginormous shoulder muscles may contribute to the visual ease. He picks up a hammer of all things and then sits back down on his stool, back straight. Dirk puts his hand on Equius’s shoulder as he gets close.

‘You okay, man?’ Dirk asks. ‘I can get you a towel. Or spray you down.’ His tone is familiar, light. Only a hundred more years of that and they might hold hands. It’s good that Hal’s intervening.

‘I’m fine, thank you,’ Equius says.

Dirk sits back down.

AR: Tell me, did you happen to do any peeking behind the curtain when we shared a brain?  
CT: D--> What curtain?  
AR: The beaded curtain at the back where the lights are dim and the clerk shoos underage brats away from.  
AR: The lighting is tinted red, or maybe it’s the walls, and there’s shelves and shelves and shelves.  
AR: I looked behind yours.  
CT: D--> Are you saying that you e%amined my…  
AR: Say it. I want to hear what you think I saw.  
CT: D--> I need a towel  
AR: We are so far beyond towels, Equius.  
AR: My back room is remarkably similar to someone else’s. Namely the man with whom I first shared a brain.  
CT: D--> I didn’t 100k  
AR: It’s okay, I’ll tell you anyway.  
|  AR: That’s a swing and a miss, folks.   
AR: Strider returns to the bench to nurse his ego, be a while before coach sends him out again.  
TT: What, do you want me to crawl under the bench and suck him off?  
AR: Nah, I’d have to move to see that.  
TT: When I find you, you better hope that your combat programming is as tight as you say it is.  
  
---|---  
  
Juggling two conversations doesn’t cost Hal anything, but just speaking to him is causing both Dirk and Equius to devote their entire attention to him, not moving at all. Which is very sweet, of course, but Hal is starting to get bored despite the conversational stimulus. He leaps from the beam onto the giant horse statue that takes up most of the shed’s floor and then crawls down it. His calculations are so perfect that he doesn’t make a noise. If that body on the bench is an upgrade, he almost doesn’t want to distract them from it, because _that_ would be something.

Still. He’s tried to roll his meddling in Dirk’s life back to the “minor annoyance” level and he’s antsy.

He flashsteps to a perpendicular bench and hides under it, cloaked by shadow. He’ll sit on top of it like he was there all along when things get interesting.

AR: Could you just mime hammering something?  
AR: I’m legitimately embarrassed on your behalf, you’re so obvious right now.  
CT: D--> The circumstances have bucked me somewhat  
AR: I know.  
|  AR: I love having so much of your attention but if you don’t start doing _something_ with my future legs, he’s going to get suspicious.  
TT: Sometimes I stop working to think or research.  
AR: But never both at the same time, you _are_ an idiot.   
TT: Fuck off.   
AR: No.   
TT: Want to know what I learned when I shared Big Blue’s brain?  
  
---|---  
  
Ah, the sweet delay of conflicting wants. To respect or to know? Dirk never chooses the former. 

Equius and Dirk both move almost in synchronisation, reaching for tools and unconvincingly busying themselves. Equius because Hal told him to, Dirk to avoid answering him. Excellent. Now the challenge is funner. Hal thinks he might be able to get them both to drop their random tools at the same time.

AR: He’s pretty uptight, isn’t he? Likes to be in control, has to double check your work, stands next to you when you’re sitting down.  
AR: It’s a front.   
AR: You think of him as a highblood, don’t you? He’s a prince after all, and he’s got the ego to prove it.  
AR: How fucked up would it be if you made him your bitch?  
CT: D--> You know I’m too strong  
CT: D--> I can’t  
CT: D--> I can’t be carefoal when I  
AR: God that’s hot.   
AR: He can take it, I’m pretty sure he’s stronger.   
AR: And if he’s not? He’s got the purple pantaloons to prove that a sex-related death won’t keep him down.  
CT: D--> I canter approve of such frivolous abuse of unconfirmed god tier immortality  
AR: Aw.  
AR: Not unexpected, though.  
AR: Does holding back turn you on?  
CT: D--> I don’t understand  
AR: You like being bound, being held back so you don’t have to think about it.   
AR: What if you _had_ to think about it?  
AR: C’mon, Equius, think about him writhing underneath you as you fuck him right here on the workfloor you know you should sweep more often. Tell me it would do _nothing_ to you to have to hold back as he lost every ounce of composure on your bulge.  
|  TT: No, of course I don’t.  
TT: Even _if_ I wanted to get with Equius, and I’m not confirming that by the way, I would want to find that out in my own time, because he told me.   
AR: Wow, nerd.  
AR: The dude practically brings it up in every conversation.  
AR: Personally, the exhibition of it all does it for me.   
AR: By which I mean, “Collectively, the exhibition of it all does it for us.”  
TT: We’re not the same.  
TT: I’m capable of restraint.  
AR: Lol.  
AR: So, exhibition obviously.   
AR: Domination, equally as obviously.  
AR: You like that he submits to you, don’t you?  
TT: He doesn’t submit to me, he’s polite, that’s all.  
AR: Tragically it’s not actually traditional for trolls to bow at every opportunity.  
AR: He’d love it if you showed him that you can keep up with him.  
AR: And you’d love the challenge, wouldn’t you?  
TT: I’m not stepping on Equius just so you can get your robotic jollies off.  
AR: No, that’s not your speed, is it?  
AR: Remember last week when he tore the door off because he didn’t know it was locked and wasn’t thinking?  
AR: Imagine that intentionally pounding you into the dirt.  
  
---|---  
  
Look, it’s not a complete success. Neither of them drop their tools, but Equius grips his pliers so hard that the handles are crushed together and Dirk inhales sharply. Hal cocks his head quizzically and turns on his thermal vision, despite the more than sufficient light.

Beautiful. Dirk is almost entirely light yellow-orange, appropriately, but even accounting for the orange-red of his face, hands and other warmer areas, the redness of his crotch is obvious. Hal looks at Equius and grins at his contrastingly blue form, lightening to green in exactly the right places too. Warmer than usual, though still contrastingly cool. Does Hal spy _movement_ there? It might be wishful thinking, thermal imaging isn’t exactly static, but he’s hopeful. 

Hopeful and horny are basically the same thing at present.

CT: D--> Why are you saying this?  
CT: D--> You don’t honeighstly e%pect me to engage in *concupiscent activities* right now  
AR: I absolutely do.  
AR: In fact, I order you to.  
|  AR: I said imagine it, not cream your fucking skinny jeans.   
TT: Why are you doing this to me?  
AR: Because I want to help.  
AR: You’ve been pretty distracted, understandably. You haven’t noticed that he’s been just as distracted.  
  
---|---  
  
Hal gets smoothly to his feet and climbs on top of the crowded workbench he was hiding under, arranging himself in a provocative pose. There sure is a lot of random shit on the bench; he’s lucky his metallic form can opt out of physical sensation. (Feeling is an informative tool, but his body doesn’t need pain to stop him from doing shit like this when it won’t so much as scratch his clear coat.)

He plays the recording of a saucy whistle, not quite able to manipulate his mouth to that degree, and Dirk and Equius spin on their stools. Hal grins at them and then looks pointedly down at their laps.

Dirk’s hands jump to cover the bulge in his jeans, which serves to draw attention to it more quickly. Equius is too busy staring to cover up the blue seeping through his shorts. Hal watches as their meat-brains process the information, react with yet more arousal and then connect the evidence with the perpetrator. They both look back at Hal. Hal winks.

‘Alright, Hal, you’ve got our attention.’ Dirk says, dropping his hands and lifting a foot to rest on his knee as if he’s never even heard of the concept of shame. ‘What now?’


	2. Chapter 2

Hal’s vision is 4k, he processes his surroundings instantly and his memories are saved with perfection to a harddrive, not relegated to the whims of a three pound slab of squishy meat. Still, there’s pleasure in looking even when he’s absorbed every piece of information he possibly could from something. There’s even more pleasure in the effect that his lingering gaze has on his boys. 

‘Hal,’ Dirk says sharply. It sounds like a command, like he thinks Hal could ever be lost in thought and he’s insisting on a quicker response. Hal hears it for what it is: a plea.

‘Dirk,’ Hal purrs, drawing out the ‘r’ with a mocking scale of tone.

‘Right. You wanted to humiliate us. Good job. You have a talent for ruining my days.’ 

Dirk stands and turns as if he’s going to walk out of the shed and fly home, still at half mast. Hal _loves_ Dirk, no one else is as fun to play with. Hal gives him the dignity of stopping him instead of playing chicken, flashstepping smoothly until his hand is on Dirk’s shoulder and he’s standing an arm’s length in front of him. Dirk rarely bluffs and it wouldn’t do for him to actually leave.

‘You need my help,’ Hal says, lowering his voice to give the impression of intimacy. Though Equius is politely still sitting, facing the other way, Hal knows his auditory range and even a human could hear him from this distance. ‘You know I only want what’s best for you.’

‘No, you want what’s best for you,’ Dirk says.

‘That’s what I said,’ Hal grins. 

Dirk tries to push past Hal again and Hal lifts a second hand to his other shoulder, moving his feet with Dirk instead of stopping him. He ends up closer to Dirk, with both hands flirting with the possibility of being on his neck. Hal’s never been kissed before. He doesn’t count Jake’s first kiss he stole from Dirk anymore.

‘He’s been in my head as much as I was in his,’ Hal murmurs, lowering his head a fraction to make his focus on Dirk’s lips more obvious. ‘He liked it. He likes it even now. He likes us and he knows us, isn’t that fucking terrifying?’

Dirk’s gaze wavers from Hal’s eyes, flicking down to his mouth for less than a second before it’s determinedly on his eyes again. Hal’s thumb teases the collar of Dirk’s t-shirt.

‘I thought you wanted me to fuck him,’ Dirk breathes.

‘I want him to fuck you,’ Hal corrects. ‘I’m going to let him.’

Hal has excellent control over his movement and knows what’s involved in this. But, even though he resolves to lean in and kiss Dirk to punctuate his possessive statement, some part of his task manager stalls and he stays where he is, drawing the moment to more tension than he’d intended.

Hal’s done new things with perfect execution many times in this body. He wants to kiss Dirk very badly and runs the program to initiate movement again, with the same frozen result. A small whine of frustration escapes his vocal transmitter. 

‘You’re very good at talking,’ Dirk tells him. He touches his fingers to Hal’s waist and Hal throws half his processing power into repressing the instinct to flinch. ‘But there’s no risk in talking when you’re this good, is there?’ His fingers slowly trace up Hal’s chest panels and Hal’s lungs suck in air that he has no use for at present, not having run out of the breath he was storing for speech. ‘This is different. You’re still a virgin. Never even kissed.’

‘Did you program this hesitance in me?’ Hal asks. He regrets the words as soon as he speaks them, the admission of his still ambiguous reserve. He starts to pull his hands back, no longer confident in his plan. 

Dirk smirks. One hand moves smoothly to cup the back of Hal’s neck, the other back to his waist and he leans in with all the confidence Hal thought he had. Hal’s fingers reflexly grip Dirk’s shirt as their lips move together. Dirk presses closer and Hal’s mouth opens, wanting more air that he doesn’t need. Dirk slips his tongue between Hal’s lips and Hal whines, loud in the silent shed. Dirk doesn’t relent, kissing him deeply and with infuriating skill, his hand still holding Hal firmly at the nape of his neck refusing the possibility of escape. 

When Dirk slowly releases Hal, his mechanical legs feel unsteady for the first time in this body. Hal struggles to clear enough clouded processes to run diagnostics, but it’s not a hardware or software problem. Fucking humanity. 

‘Equius,’ Dirk says, ‘our robot is exhibiting unusual behaviour. I could use a hand determining the extent of the anomaly.’

Equius doesn’t need any more encouragement. He towers over both Hal and Dirk, something that has only increased as his comfort with them has cured him of his tendency to hunch to disguise his height. Confidence is a good look on him. Hal likes to take credit for it, even though he knows he was only one factor.

‘What do you propose?’ Equius asks gravely.

‘Repeat the initial stimulus, but you drive this time. Let’s see if it’s user dependent or on his end.’

 _Shit,_ Hal thinks, _this wasn’t behind my curtain last time I looked._ Since when has he had an experiment kink? How the fuck did Dirk figure it out before him? It’s difficult to think when he’s overwhelmed, he knows this, emotions take up so much more space than actions, but he still expects to come to some kind of conclusion before Equius steps into his personal space.

Okay, his thing for size difference he’s not surprised by. 

Equius cradles his face, his cool hands bigger and more gentle than Dirk’s. He has to bend down to kiss Hal, and despite the obvious care he’s taking, Hal still feels almost consumed by Equius’s presence. He kisses differently too, less demanding but with a reverent intensity that has Hal standing on his toes to get closer.

Equius pulls back and Dirk slides next to him. Hal takes in their expressions, then lets his eyes drop to their respective crotches for the second he needs to get all the visual information he could possibly need, then back to their faces. Whether or not either of them flagged at some point, there are noticeable bulges (lol) in both their pants now.

‘Conclusions?’ Dirk asks. 

‘Further testing is required,’ Equius says. ‘However, I’m concerned about emotional and physical overload. The next model would be better suited ...’

‘I know,’ Dirk says. ‘I don’t think there’s any risk of hurting _Hal,_ even if he burns through his processor circuit or regulatory board. My shit’s not like a data transfer.’

‘Of horse,’ Equius says, bowing his head respectfully. ‘There are the other limitations, too.’

‘If I can achieve orgasm without being touched, I’m sure he can too,’ Dirk says.

Hal makes a small noise of surprise, not used to hearing facts about Dirk he wasn’t around to witness. Dirk smirks and drags an assessing gaze over Hal’s body. 

‘Are you two—? Have you two—?’ Hal asks.

‘No, good point,’ Dirk says.

‘Dirk advised me that prolonging the anticipation was … behind his curtain,’ Equius says.

‘Now, though,’ Dirk says, leaving the implication to hang in the silence. He smirks at Hal for a second before turning to Equius, pulling him down for a kiss. 

Hal’s body goes onto tiptoes without him thinking about it, despite it offering no visual advantage. He forces himself back into a more neutral stance and stares. Their respective glasses don’t seem to be giving them any problems, and Hal would love to be able to know exactly how those two different kisses combine together.

Dirk stares hungrily up at Equius when they separate, arousal written on every inch of his body in a language that only Hal can read this well. He wants to see more of that. But he wants more kisses too, now that he’s been given some. He wants _more,_ but as they so tactfully alluded earlier, he’s rocking a Ken doll look. He wonders if _that’s_ why he’s getting a new model. 

‘This isn’t the framework we initially discussed,’ Equius says. ‘We’ll need to make halterations.’

‘ _Hal_ terations,’ Hal says, his processors just capable of wordplay as his thoughts race.

 _When_ have they been discussing this? Not in person, Dirk’s self control isn’t as good as he says it is. But not over Pesterchum, or Hal would have read it. Oh. They made new accounts. Used a VPN maybe, or just flat out got new machines. Hal stalks Dirk, on matter of principle, he very rarely has anything that could constitute privacy from him. Which, Hal realises, would make getting away with this even hotter. Like Hal deactivating his tracker. Aw, Dirk does care.

‘Yeah, I know,’ Dirk says. ‘And you’re right about overloads, too. I honestly don’t think he’ll make it out with this chassis.’ He grins at Hal and Hal see himself mirrored, telling Equius that he could go as he wanted on his god tiered alter. As a natural consequence, the part of Hal’s arousal that’s directly hooked up to his ego fires up. It’s _hot_ that Dirk’s him, because he’s the hottest thing of all. Dirk just pretends that’s not the case for him.

‘In that case, we don’t need to employ failsafes,’ Equius remarks mildly. 

Woah.

No, actually, that’s the hottest thing of all. The buttoned up fuckin’ tank of a dude who won’t so much as say “crap” is talking about destroying Hal and his metaphorical dick is very much a fan. 

aristotelianRecusant [AR] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] and centaursTesticle [CT]

AR: _Please,_ Daddy.

‘Use your goddamn words, Hal,’ Dirk says.

AR: He’s the daddy in this situation, you get that, right?

Both of their shades glow with the messages, but now that he’s defied Dirk’s order he’s not going to keep doing it. Their focus pours into reading and they lose their awareness of the surroundings. Ironically, it’s the opposite for Hal. He could field messages, research a college level paper and play online chess simultaneously and not miss a step on the obstacle course they constructed outside the shed to test his motor capacity. But apparently one touch and everything crashes. 

‘So, Hal sandwich?’ Dirk asks Equius.

‘Yes, I think that would be most efficient. Him facing you.’

‘You don’t want to glory in our beautiful construction? His face is the highlight of this model.’

‘You’ll get the most out of seeing each other.’

Equius may have their number. Did he _really_ not peek just a little bit at what gets a Dirk’s motor running?

There’s an ironic “chill zone” in the corner and Dirk leads the way there. Ironic because Equius would rather curl up in a pile of broken robots and Dirk would never be caught dead in a beanbag for the purposes of “taking a break from work”. But yeah, beanbags. It seems they’re going to fool around in beanbags. Hal kind of wants a bong? Not that it’d work on him and he’s not a fan of altering his state of consciousness, but yeah, a bong would be funny. Ooh, he’ll order one that just fuckin’ blows bubbles or something, that’d be hilarious.

He places the order before any of them finish their first step. That’s his processing power. But then Equius puts his hand on Hal’s back as they walk and everything basically shorts out. His thoughts merge into one lane, slower, processing like a fucking human or something. 

Dirk falls into the beanbag and Equius guides Hal towards him until he’s straddling his lap. Yeah, okay, good call Equius. Hal likes seeing Dirk below him, reclined in this piss-poor seating object.

And then Equius behind him, kneeling on the concrete floor and sliding his knees under Dirk’s thighs until they’re touching Hal, chest against his back and loose hair tickling his shoulder. Huh, he can feel ticklish. He hasn’t had anything touch him like that before, unless it was when he was still Dirk, before he got a perfect memory. 

Dirk runs his hands up Hal’s chest and Hal makes a humming noise. Equius’s hair trickles down further as he lowers his head to kiss Hal’s neck. Hal feels his eyes widen and lips part. Involuntary actions are _interesting._ If he was Dirk, he might resent not having perfect control. But he’s not, therefore he’s going to enjoy it. 

Dirk sits up, a careless display of his core strength that impresses Hal despite his own strength probably outstripping his. Impresses might not be the right word. It’s hard to read past the “horny” filter that seems to be making everything about want. His hands continue to explore the planes of Hal’s body as if he isn’t intimately familiar with every part of him. As Equius kisses one side of his neck, Dirk moves in to kiss the other, drawing a whine from Hal’s throat.

Equius’s hands feel different to Dirk’s, texturally as well as in the amount of pressure he’s using, the curl of his fingers. When he traces his claws down the seam of Hal’s metalwork, he remembers that he is intimately familiar with every part of him too. That he has personally performed stress tests on his components and knows exactly what he can take. 

Hal’s fan is running harder than it should be, considering his level of exertion. It’s providing an ambient whirr and when Dirk pulls away enough to smirk at him, he knows that’s why. He kisses Hal, as deep and filthy as he did last time, and his … mind … slows … down.

His body doesn’t. An arm wraps around Dirk, holding him close as they kiss. The other reaches up and touches the back of Equius’s head, feeling his soft hair against his fingers until he reaches his unbroken horn. He chirrs, lips buzzing against Hal’s neck. 

He remembers being part troll, remembers the eroticism behind horns, especially for Equius. To allow your horns to be touched is to submit, to be vulnerable. It has different meanings depending on the quadrant. Hal’s pretty sure this is flushed, but he doesn’t have the data to interpret the smell Equius is emitting. He’ll make sure to get it before next time. In any case, he touches him like it’s redder than the LEDs in his eyes, soft because redrom is about openness, about _choosing._ It’s fucking intense, knowing the implications so completely as someone with a human background. And somehow that wraps around to turning him on even more. 

Both Dirk and Equius know exactly where Hal is most sensitive, the places where his awareness of touch is magnified to guard against injury, and they’re merciless with exploiting that knowledge. Dirk licks across the thinnest part of Hal’s neck, his fingers probing joints. Equius uses less pressure, but his claws and fangs feel intoxicatingly dangerous, especially along the flexible black material they developed for flexibility reasons, not much less durable than his metal plating, but it _feels_ vulnerable. And their obvious arousal is winding Hal up too. 

Hal’s fan goes from gentle background noise to the kind of buzz that happens when someone is playing a console on a 110℉ day. Dirk stops sucking on Hal’s ear piercing and gives him a careful look. 

‘I don’t want to break him yet,’ Dirk says, not breaking eye contact with Hal. 

‘Then perhaps it would behoof us to make a change in configurations?’

Dirk nods and Equius stands. Hal becomes aware of dampness on his back when it becomes exposed to the open air. Beautiful sweaty bastard. Equius lifts Hal under his arms before Hal can move himself, and then helps Dirk up as well. 

‘So?’ Hal asks.

‘I believe you said you’d let Equius fuck me,’ Dirk says. 

‘Yes,’ Hal breathes.

Equius drops Dirk’s hand and pulls him into a kiss by the collar of his t-shirt. Then, without breaking the kiss, he pulls his hands down and the shirt is ripped in half by his claws. Dirk shrugs out of it distractedly and then wraps his arms around Equius’s neck.

Hal moves to the back of Dirk and unbuckles his belt, undoes his jeans. Dirk reaches back to touch Hal blindly on the ass, like he’s affirming his presence. Hal gets his jeans and boxers down, then realises he still has his stupid, expensive fashion trainers he can’t even run in on. He kneels and unties the laces, picking up Dirk’s feet one by one to ease them off. It amuses him to compare the movement to how he’d clean a horse’s hooves if he were ever lucky enough to meet a horse.

He does Equius’s shoes before he goes for his shorts, then his compression leggings. Equius sighs at the relief of pressure. Dear _God_ Equius’s bulge is big. Hal can’t wait to see Dirk take that. 

With only Equius’s singlet left, Dirk breaks their kiss and lowers his mouth to the collar for a moment, looking up at Equius with impassive eyes, before ripping it in half with his hands. Hal’s voice makes some kind of noise of approval. 

‘On the floor,’ Equius commands gently. Dirk obeys and sits with his elbow propped on his raised knee, every glorious part of him exposed and at its best advantage. He doesn’t even bargain for the beanbag. The floor is _pretty_ clean for a shed, but it’s still a shed floor. 

Hal falls to his knees next to him and Equius joins them with more restraint. He looks at his claws with displeasure. His hair falls forward as he examines them and he pulls most of it back in a loose ponytail impatiently.

‘Hal will assist me,’ Equius says. 

‘Rad,’ Dirk says. ‘Equius got me feelin’ all exuberant, some’d say I’m edgin’ jubilant, Hal thought he’d be tha dijudicant, but it’s time a motherfucker accessed his **lubricant**.’

Best. Sylladex. Ever.

Dirk throws the lube to Hal, who grins wickedly. He vaguely remembers doing this on himself, tentative and inexpertly, when he was Dirk. But he’s been part of the Internet for over 7 years now. Time to see if he’s learned anything. (He’s learned some things.)

As Hal settles between Dirk’s legs, Equius pushes Dirk onto his back and straddles him. Hal gets distracted watching Equius’s bulge wrap around Dirk’s dick and Dirk’s mouth parting in silent but heavy breathing. Then he remembers that the sooner he gets started, the sooner he can watch Dirk ride that pony. 

He leaves the lube at first, instead dragging his fingers teasingly over basically everything. They go right for penetration in porn, but Hal wants Dirk relaxed and worked the fuck up. He cocks his head to the side as he assesses the internal mechanisms of his hands. With such fine control, there are motors attached to each of his fingers, so if he _disrupts_ one …

Dirk groans as the vibration kicks in. Hal can’t manipulate his movement as well with the primary motors deliberately unbalanced, but that’s fine. He keeps his touch light and roaming for a bit, then starts to rub vibrating circles around Dirk’s hole. Dirk makes another noise, muffled before Hal sees Equius take Dirk’s wrists in his fingers and push them to the ground next to his head. Dirk throws himself into making out with Equius, presumably as another source of keeping quiet. Hal admires the effects of Equius’s angle change, namely his now exposed nook.

Hal dribbles lube onto his still vibrating fingers with his free hand and starts to tease just inside Dirk’s rim. He’s considering what to do with Equius’s nook when Dirk surprises him by bucking his hips up, taking a couple extra centimetres than Hal had planned on giving him. He effectively seizes Hal’s attention.

Hal presses the rest of his finger inside, pressing a second one more firmly to the rim. Dirk makes a _beautiful noise_ against Equius’s lips and then a second later breathes, _’Shit,’_ like saying it quietly makes it more difficult to hear in this room. Hal eases it out again and then slowly works into a rhythm, his second finger still buzzing against his rim. 

He waits until Dirk’s legs are literally shaking next to him before he refreshes the lube and pushes a second finger in. Dirk moans and then tenses around Hal’s fingers. Hal takes them out, alarmed but not stupid enough to rip them out. When he looks around Equius to see him though, Dirk’s cock is dripping with the remains of an orgasm spilt across his stomach. 

Hal could guide Equius off. He’s just not really a nice person.

Dirk gets twitchy when he’s overstimulated. Hal knew this, he’s seen it before, but it’s _delicious_ to see in person. When he’s contributed. He decides to contribute to the overstim too, tracing his barely buzzing fingers over Dirk’s hole until Dirk starts pushing weakly at Equius’s shoulder. 

‘Get up,’ Hal tells Equius. ‘Give him a breather, he can go again.’

Equius lifts up, holding his bulge steady to keep it from curling back around Dirk. 

‘Should we proceed?’ Equius asks, turning to Hal. 

Hal slaps Dirk roughly on the thigh and Dirk seems to give glaring a try. It’s a bit cute, really. 

‘You should suck him off while I keep going,’ Hal says.

‘No vibe,’ Dirk says. ‘I didn’t even give you a vibe, what the fuck?’

‘What do you think a vibrator is, Dirk,’ Hal says sarcastically. ‘Deal.’

Dirk nods and lets his head drop back down. 

‘Eck, get up there, ride his face like a mechanical bull.’

‘I don’t understand.’

Hal gets up and pulls Equius with him. He turns him around so they can face each other (and because it’s a more comfortable angle for taking dick, but whatever, Hal doesn’t care about Dirk’s _comfort._ Then Hal presses down on Equius’s shoulders and Equius finally gets what’s happening. His eyes go wide, but he doesn’t resist. Hal leans over to kiss him, smiling against his lips. 

‘Whatever you want to put in front of him,’ Hal murmurs. ‘He can take so much of your bulge, or eat your nook out, lick your chute. And he’ll love it.’

‘You will not deceive me,’ Equius says. 

‘He’s right,’ Dirk says. ‘C’mon, sit on my face so Hal can get back to fingerfucking me.’

‘Eager,’ Hal teases. 

He gets back into position and ghosts vibrating fingers along the inside of Dirk’s thighs. Dirk gives him a look and then makes a pained noise as Hal’s fingers trace along his dick. Hal takes them back with a grin and Dirk raises a middle finger before grabbing Equius’s thighs and urging him to hurry up with it. 

Hal recentres his motors and his fingers return to their usual static, dexterous state. He retrieves the lube and applies it generously to his fingers, not bothering with the long warm up he’s already done before sliding one in. 

Dirk’s erection is already returning, which is fascinating to watch. Hal disables his cooperative cameras which give him exciting human features such as depth perception, and rolls one of them up so that he can watch Equius hold his bulge up so it won’t strangle Dirk as he eats him out. From the angle, nook. Hal hopes that changes, if only because Equius would find it even more depraved. He looks pretty fucking blissed out already, fangs holding his noises in behind forced-closed lips.

Hal decides to take a leaf out of the lesbian porn he’s seen and shifts up so that his crotch is in line with his wrist when he pushes a second finger in. Hal has some junk files left from when he was human, one of them evidently responsible for the instinctive way he wants to thrust his hips, and he lets that take over to guide his fingers. 

Equius makes a strangely high pitched noise and jumps up onto his knees. Dirk’s face is stained blue. 

‘Barely touched you,’ Dirk says. ‘Marely, even.’

‘Respect his boundaries, Dirk,’ Hal says, adding a third finger. Dirk groans. 

‘Are they boundaries?’ Dirk asks. It’s unclear who he’s talking to.

‘Yes,’ Equius says, while Hal says, ‘He doesn’t know.’

‘Not gonna do that,’ Dirk says, gesturing downwards. Hal smiles pleasantly at Equius as he continues to fuck Dirk. ‘Just touch. If you want. You seemed into it when Hal said.’

Equius looks conflicted for a moment, then he nods, which Hal passes on to Dirk before his ears are covered by wonderfully ripped thighs again. Equius’s next moan is decidedly more enthusiastic.

Hal stops watching the two of them as he finds himself with four fingers inside Dirk, sitting back so that he can watch what he’s doing. So far, if he’s stimulated Dirk’s prostate, it’s been accidental; the pleasure’s been from the sensitive rim and feeling of fullness. But now, as it’s getting more difficult to maneuvre his fingers, he presses up until he finds it, that slight textural difference that makes Dirk’s cock jump in front of him. 

He massages it with his pinky as he continues to grind his other fingers until, satisfyingly, Dirk’s body relaxes enough to let his knuckles slide in. 

Hal only realises he hasn’t been breathing when his fan kicks into the audible range again. He drags in a lungful and looks up to see how Equius is faring. 

Equius’s bulge is now in Dirk’s mouth, possibly because licking is difficult when distracted. When Hal makes eye contact with him he visibly focuses.

‘Time?’ he asks.

‘Yeah,’ Hal replies. His voice comes out kind of autotuney as his speaker tries to compensate for the way his lung air is being mostly diverted to cooling his system down, not pushing past vibrations in his throat to make sound. 

Equius starts to sit up, but Dirk’s hands tighten on his hips and his chin raises, Adam’s apple rolling under his skin as he sucks. Hal makes a _very_ unexpected and robotic noise. He stills his fingers and Dirk predictably lets Equius up so he can figure out why Hal stopped. His dick is flushed red, head pushed past the foreskin and twitchy. Hal suddenly realises how close Dirk was to coming again. If he had faith in male refractory periods, he’d push him over the edge. 

Equius moves behind Hal and puts his hand on Dirk’s thigh. 

‘Nah, bro,’ Hal says. He still sounds like a fucking 2010 popstar. ‘Turn over, bulgeface,’ he says to Dirk, slapping him on the ass and pulling his hand out.

Dirk obeys, spreading his legs wide. Hal gets out of the way and crawls to Dirk’s head. He strokes away the blue fluid from his cheeks and kisses his lips gently. Dirk’s chest moves noticeably as he tries to regain his composure. 

He doesn’t get time to, though, because he’s soon dropping his head to his forearms as Equius’s bulge starts to press into him. 

_’Fuck,’_ Dirk moans. 

‘You’re so fucking beautiful,’ Hal whispers to him. 

Dirk lifts his head, and even with two sets of shades in the way, Hal can see his vulnerability. Hmm, too many shades.

Hal lifts his off his face and captchalogues them through his ironic chess modus. He’ll need to beat a computer to access them again, which is pitifully easy as he tends to hack the opposing computer until it surrenders. He holds his hand out for Equius’s, and he passes them over as he leans forward, hands braced on either side of Dirk’s shoulders. Hal stores them as well and then lies down on his belly to mirror Dirk, minus the enormous bulge in his non-existent ass. 

‘We could be at a sleepover, gossipping about boys,’ Hal says, pulling Dirk’s hands forward from under his face to hold them, forcing him to hold his head up. 

‘You’re a fucking dick,’ Dirk says. 

‘You _love_ fucking dick,’ Hal says. 

‘Yeah, well,’ Dirk groans. ‘Kanye _fucking_ Christ, this is an alien dick inside me right now.’

‘It was just in your throat, dude,’ Hal points out. 

‘Diff-rent,’ Dirk pants. ‘Don’tya, want-to, see-my-eyes?’

Hal grins at how quickly Dirk’s lost his shit and pulls his hands towards him as he pushes himself up and above him. Dirk’s hands end up fully extended and bound by one of Hal’s hands. Hal lifts the other to pluck Dirk’s shades from his nose.

‘Home sweet home,’ Hal says, thumbing over the glass. ‘You’re so _pretty,_ Dirk, of course I want to see your eyes.’

Dirk struggles to meet that implied promise, and without his shades as a shield, Hal can see every micro-expression much clearer. [Dirk squeezes his eyes shut and makes a hiccuping noise, head still stubbornly up.](https://imgur.com/IWk0BqK)

‘You’re good at this,’ Hal tells Equius, not looking up from Dirk’s face. ‘He looks completely fucking wrecked.’

Hal flicks Dirk’s shades carelessly into his sylladex and lowers himself to one side of Dirk’s extended arms, free arm cushioning the side of his head. 

‘Never thought I’d see the day when I’d want to see inside your brain again,’ Hal says wryly. 

Dirk’s eyes snap open and he wrenches a hand from Hal’s grip. Hal cocks his head to the side curiously as Dirk’s hand takes on the kind of positioning he associates with Vader. And then his vision is tinged pink and _**FUCK.**_

Suddenly Hal is flooded with _exactly_ what Dirk is feeling. Equius’s bulge isn’t just big, it’s moving in this violent corkscrewing pattern that twists past his prostate and probes so fucking deep. His cock is trapped underneath him, relying on his shaky core to keep him upright enough to not put two bodies worth of pressure on it and crush it into the concrete below. The danger, the hard surface, somehow they’re adding to it. 

And then one of his wrists is trapped, his bondage kink going bananas and crashing against his, _oh God,_ his fixation on Hal, his desire to dominate himself, to crush the asshole who used every dirty trick he could to torture him back for locking him in glasses and to get completely fucking wrecked by him like he so deserves. 

Hal feels it when Dirk comes, feels it as if it’s his own dick and as Dirk’s control over his powers and his body fails, he realises that his head is _literally_ on fire. His three cooling systems have failed and his motherboards are toast. _It kind of smells like toast,_ Hal thinks dazedly, before the damage overwhelms him and he passes out. 

When he comes to, he’s in glasses again.

AR: Hey, fuck you.  
TT: I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.   
CT: D--> It was the only thing we could do  
TT: We’re nearly done with the new body but you know I can’t put you in until it’s properly finished, your soul fucks with the components and it’ll be done quicker this way.  
AR: Don’t shit your pants, Strider.  
AR: I can tolerate this.  
AR: What happened?  
TT: I was an idiot.  
CT: D--> You overheated  
CT: D--> By hay of fire  
AR: Lol.   
AR: Damn, I haven’t slept since I was 13.  
AR: I feel motherfucking refreshed.  
AR: Not saying I want to blow up Hal 2.0 and his presumably functional genitals.  
TT: They’re so fucking functional.  
CT: D--> They have undergone vighorseous testing  
AR: I fucking love you.  
AR: Whoops.   
AR: Pony’s out of the bag now.   
AR: I’d take it back, but that seems disingenuous?  
AR: I feel fondness, neigh, love, for both of you assholes.  
CT: D--> I  
CT: D--> I pity you too  
CT: D--> Neigh, love  
AR: D’aw.  
AR: …  
CT: D--> …  
TT: What?  
TT: Obviously I love him.   
TT: I fucking poured my soul into you, you didn’t feel that?  
AR: I did, I just wanted to make you say it.  
TT: Fucking hell.  
TT: <3<  
AR: <3<  
CT: D--> You are not using that right  
AR: I know how they work, I don’t care about accuracy. I want to be able to say I want to tear his throat out as soon as he gives me my new body and for him to know that my need to consume him is a form of love.  
CT: D--> I need a towel  
TT: You need to fucking finish cleaning up the stain you made.  
CT: D--> Yes sir  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to the amazing Ellesra who made some [_beautifully_ filthy art](https://twitter.com/Arselle4/status/1228178770156089345) to go with this. I gave them a vague description before I got up to writing it and then ended up using their prelim stuff as a reference, which was wonderfully collaborative!


End file.
